It’s past 1 in the morning and I’m supposed to be sleeping. I have work at 6:30 in the morning for goodness sakes and I am not a morning person but I can’t sleep. I close my eyes and my heart starts beating fast…I get a mini panic attack…then I feel the tears coming. It’s gonna be another sleepless night where I cry myself to sleep. Every time I close my eyes all the nightmares become so real. The tiny voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough, that all I’ll ever be is a disappointment, that all I’ll be able to do in life is disappoint people becomes louder and louder and in a span of a few minutes it’s taken over completely thus not allowing me to sleep. I’m tired mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m tired of being a disappointment, of always disappointing others. God, I’m weak.
The one thing I do best in life is make others mad or sad at me. I can’t do anything right. 21 years and you’d think I’d find a way to make those around me happy…yet I still disappoint them…not one positive encouragement. Even with some positive words there will always be something negative right after. The negatives seem to outweigh the positive. God, I’m hopeless. Yet I can’t seem to do anything about it…why? why can’t I? Every time I try to I just end up failing…end up making a mistake…end up a disappointment once again. No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to do anything right. I’m so tired of feeling. I’m tired of waking up in the morning and thinking ‘damn, I woke up today. I wish I could just sleep forever.’ D’you think it’d be better if I just stop feeling all together? No, I think I just need to stop being such a disappointment. I guess the best thing I can think of doing right now is to just comply to whatever people tell me to do…to act the way they want me to act…hide who I am and just be who they want me to be so I fit in…so I can make them happy. Does it matter if I just retreat into a shell? Does it matter if I just let people believe I’m happy? Look like I’m happy? It Probably doesn’t right? I mean what would be the difference…absolutely nothing. I guess that’s the best solution.
From now on…I’m gonna look happy. Does that even make sense?
Whatever, I’ve done it before so I can do it again. Look out world! Minette’s